Back in the 80s I was a member of the Oakland University competitive forensics team. We didn't compete against other universities and colleges to see who could solve a crime the fastest, although that does sound rather interesting. Forensics in this arena is a combination of competitive speech, interp, and debate activities.
I was an okay competitor. I had done an event called Radio Broadcasting in high school. I had thirty minutes to cut a news broadcast, one story of which was scrambled and I had to make it make sense. Collegiate-level forensics had some similar categories like Duo, Poetry, Prose, Informative, Oratory/Persuasion. It also had exotic events like After Dinner Speaking, Rhetorical Criticism, and Improv Pairs. Sometimes tournament directors ran special events. I decided to give Sales a try at the Wayne State University Invitational.
My product was a rubbery, pink-headed, stretchy stress reliever. The toy belonged to my high school girlfriend's brother. I asked if I could borrow it for a weekend to use for the competition.
The thing about a forensics tournament is you have no idea how the judges are scoring you. All you can do is your four preliminary rounds then wait for the posting sheets to go up announcing who was in semis. The cut off is usually the top twelve with contestants ceded by placement into two sections. You compete again and about an hour later, they post the top six finalists. I was shocked when I made semis. I was flabbergasted when I made finals, partly because I was only okay as a competitor, partly because my speech was a bunch of humorous anecdotes about stressful life as a college student, and partly because the product I'd built up as an indestructible aide to take out your aggressions upon, split apart the last morning of the tournament.
It was February. In Michigan. Negative temps. My pink-faced, rubber-headed, stress nerd froze in the few minutes we went from the car to the competition building. It was like holding a shot put or a softball-sized rock. There was shrinkage and it slipped from its plastic base. The frozen toy hit just the right corner of the car's bumper and split open.
I had my fourth prelim in the morning. I had put an adhesive bandage on the cut. It wasn't too bad. Semis were posted and I made it and by the end of the round, I could see the goo inside starting to seep out from under the bandaid. I tried running cold water over it, why I do not know. One of the girls on the team said I should take it outside and freeze it in case I made it to finals. Then we all laughed because I never made it to finals.
The sheet went up. I saw my name. I ran outside. No coat, and stayed there as long as I could before my coach told me to get to my room. I think what saved me in the final round was the ad-libbed line, "Virtually indestructible unless you're competing in an experimental event at an invitational event in Detroit in February when it is minus ten outside and your stress nerd freezes then splits open when you drop it getting out of the car."
I took second. A career was born.
STUMPSTONE QUOTE OF THE DAY:
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